So, this is my first blog on blogspot . . . still trying to figure it all out. Not even sure I'll know how to get "here" without having it in my favorites!
Life throws you curve balls, and sometimes it seems like they come too often, and to some more than others. Or maybe it's just because people don't talk about them? I've had a few, and I'm sure I'll have more. Some are good, some are bad, some I haven't figured out yet.
The good ones are the wonderful friends I've met over the past year and a half. Great friends, with loving hearts, always there to lend a hand, an ear, a shoulder . . . I spent a good part of my life shielding myself from people. I didn't want to get to close. I didn't want to get hurt. It's happened before, as I'm sure it's happened to everyone. I feel super lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life now. Was it fate? Happenstance? I don't know, but whatever it was, I'm thankful.
The bad ones suck. Really, really suck. Losing my son has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. As June comes upon us, it gets harder. His birthday was June 8th. He would have been 28! I wonder what he'd be doing. Would he be married? Have a child? Or would he still be struggling with those demons . . . I'll never know. I like to think that he would have turned his life around . . . it makes it a little easier.
Now, my best friend has been diagnosed with ALS. A horrible disease. Everyone is different, so you just don't know what tomorrow will bring. She's the sweetest person on the face of this earth, and SO doesn't deserve this. I'd take it from her if I could . . . in a heart beat, but I know I can't. All I can do is be there for her, help her however I can, be supportive and be there for her husband too. It's just heart wrenching. It's put me in a funk, and I'm not taking care of things like I should. Trying to snap out of it, but it weighs so heavily on my head and my heart, that I have a hard time focusing on the day to day things.
Then there's my mother, who has once again become entirely dependent on me. I should be more sympathetic, I know, but I have a hard time with that. I really think she could do some things on her own, but she chooses not to. She's had a rough life, and has had more than her fair share of loss. But I'm feeling the resentment building up again, which is not healthy for me. I really need to figure out a way to deal with that.
I'm in a strange transition period in my life. Exploring things inside me that I've never quite understood. Some probably think I'm a little nuts . . . some get it. I feel as if there is something out there waiting for me to find it. Spiritually speaking. Not in a religious sense, but on another level. I have a lot to learn; a lot to explore; and just hope that someday I find whatever it is.
